August, My “Countdown” Month
This is it, the month, the end of my countdown. This month, this year, in just a few short days, I turn 40 years old.
I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about that. I certainly don’t feel 40. I still have those days where I look around me, shake my head, and wonder how I ever got to be a grown up at all. Here I am with a husband, and kids, and a house, and debts, and obligations and on and on and on. Inside I feel mostly like the same scared of the world kid at 18 who wasn’t sure where I was going or how to get anywhere at all.
I think the people around me are pretty much split on just who I am as a person. There’s a big group, headed up by my Dad, who think I’m a pretty messed up, underachieving and out of control fool who’s lucky to keep things together most days. Then there are quite a few who think I have it all figured out, admire how I’ve managed a lot of challenges, and turn to me for advice of all things. So who’s right? I honestly don’t have a clue.
There’s a lot I certainly wish I would have accomplished by now. It certainly would be nice to have at least some tiny bit of financial security at this point. I had all these vague, unfocused ideas about success, and doing something meaningful with my life. Ah ha, there’s the problem, vague and unfocused.
Along the line somewhere, I got a few things thrown at me that I never planned for. There were a few roadblocks to where I wanted to go, and a few unexpected new paths to follow as well. Honestly, I handled some really big challenges and I handled them pretty well. I made a few mistakes too, but I recovered from them as well.
I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my back. I have a 16 year marriage that isn’t perfect at all, but makes for a pretty good family. I have wonderful kids, who teach me as much as I teach them. I have joy overall, happiness most days, and never a chance to get bored. Most of all, I still have time. Being this close to 40 makes me aware that there’s still going to be a lot of life left afterwards.
