Time is still getting away from me, lost in projects and tasks and family and just life in general. Always in life I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of being on the run every minute, never stopping or even having time to take a breath, and yet nothing ever seems to get done.

Spring let go for a time and the cold has moved in again and I’m frustrated by it. I think the fresh air and open windows inspires me. At the very least it lifts some of the darkness I get lost in sometimes. But we have had record setting cold that I am feeling in every muscle and joint in my body right now and it’s dragging me down. Hopefully it will be over soon and we can return to sunshine and open windows and the occasional thunderstorm. That’s what spring is supposed to be about.

The lawn is growing in spite of the cold and so begins the annual battle of the yard work. During years of apartment living V talked and talked about how he wanted a house, liked taking care of the yard and all that. Liar. Every growing season it’s a constant battle to convince him to keep the yarn at least semi-presentable. I’ve tried not nagging, but it will never occur to him to mow if I don’t tell him to over and over and over. Eight years in this house, and nearly 17 years of marriage and I know he can wait me out, it will never start to bug him, even when we start getting the looks from the neighbors and the letters from the city. He is just oblivious to it. I have friends with the same problem who say just do it myself but I won’t. I do the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning and the schooling and the finances and all the rest. So no, the yard just isn’t my responsibility beyond the nagging.

We talk about the nagging, V and I. I try to explain to him that it’s his fault that I nag. When I nag, the work gets done. That’s positive reinforcement. He has taught me over and over again that nagging = tasks accomplished. When I don’t nag, when I leave it up to him, nothing gets done. So there’s no reinforcement for me. No nagging = work piling up. So I have to assume he doesn’t mind the nagging. Otherwise he would make an effort to reinforce my non-nagging behavior.

Maybe it’s the monotony of it that’s getting to me. The same things every day, the same tasks over and over. The same challenges around the house, week after week, season after season, year after year. The routines that can be comforting or the answer to keeping things under control can also be limiting and suffocating. I want change I think, but things just feel a little stuck at the moment.