(This is a complete downer of a post. Go on to something else, please, and come back when I find a happier place.)

I don’t know where I am, I must be lost for the moment. I feel totally bogged down and
overwhelmed with life at the moment, and emotionally it’s overwhelming me.

For years and years now I have had challenges in my life, big ones. In spite of that, we’ve done OK. We don’t have money to spare, and there are a lot of times I have to worry about keeping enough food in the house and all the utilities on, but we get by. I gave up a career (that I’m still paying the student loans for) because SW needed me at home full time, and I miss that a lot. But SW learned to talk to other people and how to handle social situations and so many other things since I’ve been home with him, so how can I regret it? But it’s still frustrating a lot of days, and worrisome, and the stress of it all gnaws at me.

You would think after years of managing things this way, I’d be an expert at it and all would be fine. Instead the down times are hitting me again and things are piling up and I’m waiting for something good to happen to get us over yet another hump. But lately even the good things that have happened to us have turned out bad in the end.

I have a mental list of all the biggest challenges right now. I’ve thought about writing them down but I don’t know if that would make it better or worse. We can barely keep a car running at the moment. One that was given to us (good thing) turns out to be beyond repair, so ultimately only cost us licensing fees and a diagnostic bill at the repair shop. Several major appliances in the house are dead or dying. SW has suddenly developed an aversion to his medication, and has found several passive-aggressive ways to avoid taking it. I seem to be too distractible to focus on him enough to get around this. RM is practicing to become a two-year old this fall. She is sweet and charming and extremely opinionated and energetic, and some days I feel much to old to manage it. One of the dogs has decided from now on she will bark and everything that moves within a half mile radius of the house. I still miss Poco. And I don’t feel well, at all. I am tired and I have pain in every joint and muscle in my body.

There has to be some way to get a handle on everything. I’m searching for answers. I hope I find something soon. I can’t wait for good things to happen; I need to make them happen. But sometimes I run out of ideas.