Fragile

Everything about my life feels very fragile to me right now. A feeling like it’s all held together with bits of string and tape, and things come apart so easily.

It doesn’t help that items around the house are breaking and we don’t have the means to replace any of it right now. The old sofa is falling in; we’ve reinforced the springs with cardboard to eke a few more weeks of life out of it. RM pulled the monitor shelf off the desk yesterday, so now its propped up on books, sitting a little too low and slanted just enough to notice. The desk chair is a goner too, balanced on four of five wheels and sinking just a bit more each day. Many of my things are like that, patched together and living on borrowed time.

Financially things are fragile as well. The money never seems to make it to the end of the month. Bills are paid in order of what’s most critical to survival and we skate on the edge of disaster, hoping for something to give for the better in the future. I’m always hunting new ideas and scraping in bits of cash here and there from odd projects, but it’s never enough, never anything one can count on, and doesn’t lend any security.

Even the joys in my life seem like they could get away from me. Everything about my children is so precious and wonderful to me. I want to freeze each moment in time and save it forever; the thought that none of it lasts is painful to me. RM is so sweet and dear and precious, and I see my boys and try to dredge up every memory from when they were this small. It’s such a reminder to me - looking between her and them - that these times go by much, much to fast.

I work very hard at reminding myself of all that is good and positive and wonderful. I hold on to the ideas and feelings that can’t be taken from me, the things that won’t break or fall away. We have enough, we get by. We are staying on the right side of the edge of disaster, and that’s no small feat amongst the challenges. And for every joy the kids bring me that passes on with time, there are more joys to come, new accomplishments for them, and always more and more to make me proud they are my children. These are the feelings that hold it all together, the bonds that can’t completely fall apart.

August 22nd, 2007 Posted by Tracy | This "Is" My Life, The Rest of Me | one comment