Losses

I have been distracted by life again lately; the usual mix of this and that, budgets and bills, kids and chores, appointments and obligations and the occasional crisis. Then this week I lost my father.

That is not to say that my father has died. But in response to a request for some help to keep the kids fed while I fought to straighten out my son’s SSI and waited for the first paycheck from the job I’m starting, he informed me he “was not in a position to help” that he did not support the decisions I’ve made in my life and that he did not care to communicate with me any further.

Now my father is not a rich man, but neither is he struggling. He manages to maintain both his home nearby and a very comfortable weekend place near the lake. He buys a new car every couple of years, vacations three or four times a year all over the country, and keeps up a few costly hobbies. Yes, he and my Stepmother work very hard and deserve the things they have, I’ve never disputed that. I guess he has the right to value his luxuries, and at this point in my life he has no obligation to me and has never had one to my children.

I was not an easy teenager, but a lot of us aren’t and that was 25+ years ago. But I did eventually work my own way through college (still paying the loans on that one), and I never took up drugs or drinking, never had trouble with the law or anything along those lines. I am probably more honest on average than most and more tolerant of others. I did leave the family church as I grew older, but I had always attended with my grandmother and have no recollections of being there with him outside of the occasional wedding or funeral. In all his tirades at my inadequacy over the years, that never has come up anyway.

What I think has angered my father the most in life was my choice to give up my career in favor of better therapy and support for my sons. A decision not everyone would make, easy for some to disagree with I’m sure, but hardly the case for a tough love approach. But to a man of his level of conspicuous consumption and value of material things, apparently that is the unforgivable sin.

I did eventually find some other answers and support to help us through this stretch until the rest of the finances get worked out.

But I am devastated. No matter how hard I’ve tried to avoid it, I have measured every accomplishment in my life against what my father would think of it. I brought these beautiful, unique and special children in to the world, but he sees them as flawed. I helped my son overcome his Autism to the point where he can now communicate, but that was meaningless to my father who feels SW should be in residential treatment. I’ve given of myself and my experiences to support groups and other families of kids with Autism, but to him it was a foolish waste of my time and energy.

My mother tells me to stop being hurt and start being angry because I do not deserve his cruel words and low opinion of me. I’m trying so very hard, but it’s difficult.

Perhaps I should start by getting pissed over the beautiful Irish Hiking Scarf I gave him for Christmas. He never even said thank you.

March 20th, 2008 Posted by Tracy | This "Is" My Life | 3 comments